Mirrors over mouths

I’m going to tell you a secret: I hate napping. I hate taking naps, I hate it when others nap, and I especially hate it when my T1Ds nap. I’ve never felt refreshed after a nap. I always wake in a panic, like I’ve missed out on something crucially important. My mom used to tease me that it was because I was nosy and always wanted to know what was going on. I think my aversion to naps goes far deeper than mere inquisitiveness. I actually wake in a state of overwhelming panic whenever I nap. I’m sure there’s some past life explanation for it all, but I can’t bring myself to get hypnotized in order to find out (you know, the whole going to sleep thing and all…).

And now that the three most important people in my life have Type 1, it’s even harder to find peace in the quiet.

I used to find any excuse to wake Marshall up when he would nap, especially when he was still taking shots. I would turn the tv volume up, invite the dog onto the couch, even kick him. Why, you may ask, was I such a horrible person? Because I was afraid he wouldn’t wake up. I was afraid there was something wrong, and he was napping because of a low or high blood sugar, and not just because he was simply tired. I’ve eased up a bit now that he wears a pump, and even more now that his pump is linked to his CGM, but I still get nervous when I see him sleeping midday.

Now I do it to the kids too. I can’t help myself. Lucky for me my kids have never been big nappers. Occasionally they’ll get sleepy if we’re on a long car ride, and if they do threaten a nap I turn up the music, and if that doesn’t work I start pinching their feet. I’m sure they’ll need therapy for this when they get older.

But until you have a child or a husband with Type 1, I’m not sure you’ll fully grasp this fear of sleep. Every morning I hold my breath when I step into the kids’ rooms to wake them in the morning. If they’re sleeping peacefully my chest gets hot and my throat tightens, and then I see their bellies rise as they sigh, and I know everything will be ok.

But for a full five seconds every morning I experience the deepest and most basic fear.